


the night we met

by FrecklesOfTheSeasons



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lee Felix needs a hug, Lee Felix-centric, M/M, Minor Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Minor Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Seo Changbin is Whipped, Soft Seo Changbin, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, changbin lives with woochan, changlix, depressed lee felix, suicidal lee felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-17 08:35:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16512935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrecklesOfTheSeasons/pseuds/FrecklesOfTheSeasons
Summary: felix looks back on his life a few months ago, and he watches it all fall apart. He watches how it all leads up to here, a lone tuesday night in a week of mondays. mist hangs low over the surface of the water he sits over, blocking the moon's reflection. he sits there, on that bridge, and he waits. he waits for something to happen, anything. anything that could be taken as a sign not to do it. not to jump.orchangbin finds felix on a bridge and takes him home. felix finds a home in changbin.





	1. not the only traveler

felix looks back on his life a few months ago, and he watches it all fall apart. He watches how it all leads up to here, a lone tuesday night in a week of mondays. mist hangs low over the surface of the water he sits over, blocking the moon's reflection. he sits there, on that bridge, and he waits. he waits for something to happen, anything. anything that could be taken as a sign not to do it. not to jump.

 

the thing is, felix has never been more sure that he doesn't want to die. but here he is, and at this point he's willing to try anything to escape from the hell his life has become. he doesn't want to die, but he's ready to anyways. but still, he waits. he twiddles his thumbs and kicks his feet and breathes in the mist and he waits.

 

the sign comes shortly after midnight, in the form of a rough, gravelly voice next to his ear.

 

“are you going to jump?”

 

felix is sure he would have fallen in surprise, regardless of whether he was ready or not, had it not been for two strong hands clutching at his waist. for two seconds he sits in surprise, quiet, before he heaves a sigh of relief and leans back into the stranger's embrace, humming.

 

“yeah.”

 

his sign is silent for a moment, before it speaks up again, hands never leaving felix's sides.

 

“why?”

 

the voice- felix has decided it's distinctively male- is sad, now, it seems. the hands tighten around him, unwilling to let go. his savior sounds young, maybe his age or slightly older. felix has never been good at guessing games.

 

“it's a long story.” felix murmurs, gaze never once flickering back to whoever is holding him. instead he stares out at the water, or what would be water if it weren't for the heavy fog blocking his view. the hands squeeze him slightly again, perhaps in comfort.

 

“i'm listening.”

 

felix sighs. he doesn't, he really doesn't want to have to tell his story again. he shifts in his stranger's arms and changes the subject.

 

“what's your name, stranger?” he asks wistfully, staring up at the dark entity that is the sky.

 

“if i tell you, will you promise not to jump?” the voice felix has grown to like sounds a little too desperate for how he feels. he feels relaxed, the muscles in his body gone soft with the way he melts against the other boy. he hums again, a tune even he doesn't recognize at this point.

 

“maybe.” is all he says, tone light.

 

“good enough for me.” the voice responds. “i'm changbin. what's your name?”

 

felix laughs softly. he knows this tactic well, too well. he'll play along, if just for now.

 

“are you trying to make me feel guilty?” he smiles in a situation he should probably not be smiling in. “if i tell you my name, then you'll become attached to me.”

 

he feels the stranger- changbin- shift, as if looking down at their position, where his hands are gripping felix's waist.

 

“no offense,” he says, voice incredulous. “but i kind of already am.”

 

felix laughs again. it's rather funny, actually, how much he's laughing tonight. this is the most he's laughed in months. the thought only makes him laugh harder, hands coming to grip at the cement edges of the bridge. it's cold to the touch, and his laughter fades.

 

“you are, aren't you?” he sighs, kicking his feet out over open air. how many feet would he fall before he lands? enough.

 

changbin wraps his whole arms around felix as if he can read his thoughts. maybe he spoke them out loud. he doesn't remember.

 

“so?” he asks, voice nearly breaking. felix's lips quirk up in a smile. changbin clears his throat before trying again. “what's your name, then, stranger?” felix decides it's now or never.

 

“felix.” he says quietly, still gripping the concrete in his hands, like it'll crumble if he stops.

 

“you're not from around here, are you?” changbin asks, and felix shakes his head, almost grimly. “where are you from?”

 

he's heard that question many times, though barely it was ever directed at him. usually to people around him, classmates, parents.

 

“australia.” he whispers. his voice has become increasingly more quiet, and he's not sure why.  changbin makes a noise of interest behind him.

 

“i've never been to australia before. what's it like?”

 

“hot.” felix laughs. “hot and dry. home.” his voice takes on a sorrowful edge. there's a moment of silence again, before changbin speaks up.

 

“i could take you there.” he says slowly, as if working things out in his head. “you could come home with me, and i could take you there.”

 

felix ponders this, for a moment.

 

“how do i know you're not some crazy axe murderer searching for his next victim?”

 

changbin laughs, and it's beautiful, really, it is. it's rough and raw and so beautiful.

 

“if i was an axe murderer, i'd be a dumb one, because i've already told you my name.” he chuckles. “and if you turn around, i'll show you my face.”

 

felix huffs amusedly, his breath forming clouds in the chilled december air.

 

“well now i'm really not getting out of here alive!” he laughs, before shifting slightly. changbin helps turn him around on the edge of the bridge until he's looking the other boy in the face. when he finally does, he's astonished.

 

changbin is beautiful. he's cloaked in a veil of mist and a hoodie is bunched around his shoulders and head, putting shadows on his face that sharpen his cheekbones and jawline. felix vaguely thinks that changbin must have been sculpted by the gods, because no one he's ever seen has looked that good before.

 

changbin is also, as felix will soon discover, shorter than him. but for now he sits in surprise, taking in his sign's sharp features and dark hair, and thinks about getting off that bridge. he realizes he's staring a few moments later and blushes, only blushing harder when he realizes that changbin is staring back.

 

“i- uh-” felix chokes out, changbin's hands suddenly incredibly warm on his hips. “i'll come home with you.”

 

the eyes in front of his widen, almost comically so, and changbin squeezes felix tight in his grip.

 

“you will? really?” he asks, voice growing warmer and warmer by the second. felix could use a bit of warmth.

 

“yeah, if you still want me to.” felix says softly, fidgeting in the other boy's grasp. almost immediately changbin's hold on him loosens and the boy grins sheepishly, hand coming up to scratch at his head.

 

“of course! i'm true to my word, always.”

 

“a man of honor.” felix chuckles, and hops off of the edge onto the ground next to changbin. changbin bows stiffly and offers his hand out for felix to take.

 

“m'lady,” he teases. felix does a messy impression of a curtsy before taking changbin's hand.

 

“m'lord.”

 

they walk together in comfortable silence for a time, still holding hands. changbin doesn't ask anymore questions, and felix only stares up at the sky, where a lone star pokes out from behind the clouds. his fingers clutch at changbin's and changbin's squeeze back. he doesn't dare look at the other boy's face now. he never thought he'd get this far, never thought he'd live after this night.

 

the street lamps light up the mist and felix shivers a little when it settles against his skin. suddenly, he wishes he had brought a coat. changbin comes to a stop in the middle of the road and lets go of felix's hand, startling him. before felix can say anything, he's pulling off his hoodie and offering it to him.

 

“i can't take this,” felix says in awe. “you've already done enough.”

 

changbin shrugs, but his eyes are warm.

 

“we're going to the same place anyway,” he supplies helpfully. “and i don't get cold. go on, put it on.”

 

felix has a feeling he isn't getting out of this one. he sighs deeply before pulling the hoodie over his head. he struggles with the arms a little before it's really on, snug and proper. when he turns to look at changbin and give him a grimace, his eyes fly open in shock instead.

 

changbin's arms are bare, he's wearing a sleeveless top. his muscles are significantly toned, and felix is floored. the orange glow from the streetlights sends light dancing across his skin. felix is sure he positively glistens.

 

he blinks back and goes to take felix's pinky in his whole hand. felix's hands are not, by any standards, large. so changbin's hand encompasses his pinky easily, and sends him into a mess of blushing and stuttering. once more, he changes the subject.

 

“where do you live?” he asks, biting his lip. changbin swings their arms back and forth.

 

“not far from here,” he replies, glancing up at felix, and- yeah, he's _definitely_ shorter than him. “and with some friends.”

 

“i hope that's okay,” he continues, when felix doesn't answer for a moment. “they'd be happy to meet you. woojin hyung and chan hyung take care of all of us.”

 

felix nods absentmindedly. he's beginning to grow tired. he yawns, and changbin squeezes his pinky.

 

“we're almost there, and then you can sleep. you can take my bed.” changbin says softly. felix really likes his voice.

 

they turn a few corners and before felix knows it they're at the door of a ratty looking apartment. felix doesn't judge. where he's from isn't pretty either. changbin fishes a key out of his jean pocket and unlocks the door, pushing it open and allowing light to flood the streets from inside. felix allows himself to be gently tugged inside, the door shutting behind him.

 

the interior of the apartment honestly isn't that bad. the walls are an ugly shade of beige, but they're clean and not peeling paint, so that's a plus. there's a roughed up couch in the middle of the living room, stuffing leaking out of one of the arms, and an outdated tv on a dresser in front of it. the room is lit up by fairy lights strung up along the walls.

 

it looks like an entirely different domain. felix is in love with it.

 

“changbin?” he hears a warm voice call. “is that you?”

 

a boy pops out from what felix assumes to be the kitchen- if the smells are anything to go by. he's broad-shouldered and his features are almost bear-like. in a cute way. it's endearing.

 

“oh?” the boy looks confused. “who's this? did you bring home a friend?”

 

felix flushes shyly and hides behind changbin. not that there's much to hide behind anyway. changbin pays him no mind other than squeezing his pinky a few times in comfort.

 

“yeah,” he says casually. “this is felix. he'll be staying with us for a while.”

 

“if it's no trouble.” felix adds, chewing on his lower lip. changbin's friend smiles.

 

“of course!” he says, stepping forward to properly greet them. he takes felix's free hand in his own and holds it gently, like it's something to be treasured and treated with care. “come in. chan and i are just finishing up making dinner.”

so this is woojin. his hyung, most likely. he's pretty sure changbin is older than him. he doesn't let go of felix's hand, instead opting to gently pull him into the kitchen. there's rice and kimchi and what looks like bibimbap set put on the table, as well as three bowls. a boy who looks only slightly younger than woojin, presumably chan, is fishing another out of the cupboards. felix guesses he heard them in the living room.

 

he turns to the trio and grins, clutching a chipped blue bowl in one hand. woojin looks at him sternly.

 

“don't drop it.” he says, and chan's smile turns sheepish. he lifts his other hand to hold the bowl in both, before setting it on the table and gesturing for felix to sit down.

 

once they're all seated, they begin passing around food. felix takes little portions, to avoid coming across as greedy, as well as the fact that he has little to no appetite lately. woojin notices and gives him a larger helping. felix can only smile gratefully and dig in.

 

“so,” chan says after his first bite. “where are you from?”

 

“seoul.” felix says softly, moving his food around with his chopsticks.

 

“no,” chan says, eyebrows raised. “like, where are you _from?_ ”

this again. felix sighs and sits up straight from where he was hunched over his bowl.

 

“australia.” he murmurs wistfully. chan's eyes widen, almost comically so, and he chokes on the food in his mouth. felix is very confused.

 

“no way.” chan says, staring into felix's eyes. felix feels changbin shift beside him, and chan leans back in his chair.

 

“yes way?” felix supplies in broken korean. he can't do anything right.

 

“dude.” chan is talking in english now. wait. he's talking in english? and is that- “i'm from australia too!”

 

an australian accent. a wave of giddiness rushes over felix and a slow smile stretches across his face.

 

“really?” he asks excitedly, also in english. he's never met someone in korea who was also a foreigner, let alone another australian.

 

“really.” chan grins. “banana boat?”

 

“banana boat.” felix sings and giggles. out of the corner of his eye he sees changbin smiling softly at him. his heart flutters.

 

woojin looks on amusedly like he can't understand a single word they just said. felix feels himself grow fond. then his body goes cold.

 

he knows he's getting attached far too easily. as if sensing the change in him, changbin slips his hand into felix's and squeezes, prompting him to look his way. when he does, he realizes that changbin is holding a bite of bibimbap up for him to eat. felix blushes, but opens his mouth anyway.

 

it's like the world is frozen. he's just there in the kitchen, staring into changbin's eyes like he's the only person in the room. changbin feeds him the bibimbap, but their eyes stay locked together. their moment is broken when woojin coos softly. changbin glares at him. woojin doesn't seem to be bothered.

 

“changbin has only brought home a few friends while living with us.” he says instead, picking up his bowl and placing it in the sink. “the others we already knew. but all of them have stayed.” he looks over at felix and smiles.

 

“i hope you will do the same.”

 

felix feels that may be a possibility.

 

maybe.

 

after dinner, changbin brings felix to his room. he picks out a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants and hands them to felix, a slight grimace on his face.

 

“they might be a bit small,” he says apologetically. felix assures him he doesn't mind. changbin leaves the room so he can change.

 

after he sheds his clothes and pulls on the sweatpants, felix gets distracted by the room around him. there's a whole shelf of cds, some looking homemade, and a desk with stacks of papers on it. it looks like sheet music. he loses himself for a minute taking in the soft shade of blue of the walls, and the white floaty curtains hanging over the window by the bed.

 

a few moments pass and felix is startled by a knock at the door. it's changbin.

 

“hey felix, woojin wants to know if-” he stops. felix stops. he never thought he'd find himself in this situation.

 

he's facing the door, still shirtless, as changbin looks at him with his mouth hanging open around an unfinished word. they're silent for a moment. felix makes no move to cover himself. then changbin flushes a deep red from his cheeks to his chest and slaps his hands over his eyes.

 

“oh my god.” he groans. “i am so sorry.”

 

felix thinks he's cute.

 

“i'll just-” changbin removes a hand from his face to wave in the direction of the door. “go. you can finish changing. i'm sorry.”

 

“it's alright-” felix tries to say, but changbin is already closing the door. he huffs in amusement and pulls on the hoodie. it smells like pine and something sweet. felix breathes it in and opens the door, walking to the living room on sock clad feet.

 

changbin sits on the couch, head in his hands, blushing furiously when he meets felix's gaze. woojin is beside him, smiling as if he's just heard the funniest thing in the world. (“he has a _six pack,_ hyung.”)

 

felix smiles back and settles down in the empty spot beside changbin, grabbing for his hand. he's unsure of where this streak of boldness came from, but after a moment of avoiding his eyes, changbin laces their fingers together. woojin gets up from the couch and felix notices changbin looking up at him in panic. cute.

 

woojin just shakes his head and smiles. changbin huffs. as woojin leaves the room, changbin turns to felix with that same blush on his face.

 

“again, i'm so sorry.” he says, almost pleadingly. “it was an accident. i should have waited for an answer.”

 

felix chuckles and squeezes his hand.

 

“it's okay.” he finishes his sentence from before. “i don't think you're some creep.”

 

then he swallows heavily.

 

“you saved me.” his breath hitches. “so, thank you.”

 

changbin blinks at him and releases felix's hand to cup his face instead.

 

“i didn't save you.” he says quietly, as if he only wants felix to hear. “you saved yourself. it was your choice to get off of that bridge. and you did.”

 

felix can feel his eyes tearing up, so he looks away before he can break down.

 

“changbin,” he begins hesitantly. “can i sleep with you tonight?”

 

changbin stiffens, but then relaxes a moment later. he resumes his hold on felix's hand.

 

“sure, lix.” he says softly. “let's get you to bed.”

 

he pulls felix up from the couch and leads him to his room. they settle onto the bed, hands still clasped together, and changbin pulls the covers up around them. then he turns off the light.

 

after a moment of silence, changbin speaks up.

 

“hey felix?”

 

felix grunts sleepily.

 

“will you still be here in the morning?” he sounds almost fearful. felix shifts and rests his head on changbin's chest.

 

“i'll be here.” he says softly.

 

changbin lets out a sigh of relief.

 

“good.”  

 

they lay like that, legs tangled together. felix can feel himself dozing off.

 

he falls asleep to changbin's slow breathing and the thought of hope for the future.


	2. who has not repaid his debt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “and you?” he asks.
> 
>  
> 
> “huh?”
> 
>  
> 
> “what were you on the run from?”
> 
>  
> 
> changbin gives him a bittersweet smile and clutches at his fingers.
> 
>  
> 
> “myself.”

felix dreams of a quiet morning. he dreams of sunlight streaming through a kitchen window and lighting up dust particles that float, lazily, through the air. he dreams of the sound of rushing water coming from a rusted faucet and ricocheting into the bottom of a tin cup. he dreams of a boy with pudgy cheeks on his tippy toes, leaning over the sink with a cup clutched in both of his hands. he dreams of a voice cutting sharp into the air and the clang of metal hitting metal. the cup is dropped. the boy turns around. felix looks his younger self right in the eye. 

 

he jolts awake, then, panting heavily and stiffening when he realizes that a heavy weight lays across his chest. he feels panic crawl up his throat and tears well up in his eyes, still closed. a choked noise escapes his mouth. the weight lifts, suddenly, and felix opens his eyes. 

 

he's met with a sleepy changbin, hair mussed, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hand, the older holding him up over felix. the morning light tints his skin gold and makes his eyelashes shimmer. he's beautiful. felix forgets to breathe. 

 

“felix?” changbin asks, and his voice is husky and low. it makes felix's heart flutter. or it could be the anxiety smothering him in changbin's place. felix makes a noise of distress. 

 

changbin's eyes snap open and he moves to sit up, hands cradling felix's face softly. 

 

“hey,” he coos, and felix feels warmth rise inside him, bubbly and adding to the mess of thoughts that exist in his head. “what's wrong?” 

 

“can't.” felix manages to get across. “breathe.”

 

changbin strokes his cheek with his thumb and wipes away tears felix hadn't realized were falling. 

 

“alright,” he says softly, in that still husky voice. “i'm going to count to eight, and you're going to try to breathe in, okay?” 

 

felix nods to the best of his ability. changbin starts counting and he sucks in a slow breath, shutting his eyes tightly. 

 

“seven, eight.” changbin finishes. “hold for four.” 

 

felix does, even when it feels like his lungs are about to burst. 

 

“now breathe out for seven. one, two..” 

 

felix loses himself in changbin's voice as he releases the breath he's been holding, all the tension leaving his body. before he knows it, it's been several seconds since changbin stopped counting and he's breathing fine. he blinks his eyes open and stares up at changbin through wet lashes. 

 

“you good?” the older boy asks, watching him intently. felix flushes under his gaze. 

 

“m'good.” he says, voice low and heavy with sleep. changbin leans back in relief and gives felix a breathtaking smile. 

 

“good.” 

 

they stare at each other for a while in the hazy light of the sun coming in through the curtains hung over changbin's window. felix has never felt more safe. 

 

“how did you-” he clears his throat. “how did you know how to do that.. counting thing?” 

 

changbin smiles at felix again and flops down next to him on the bed, resting his head in his hand. the look he gives felix is so  _ warm _ , and felix's heart stutters in his chest. 

 

“hyunjin has panic attacks.” changbin says, running a hand through his own hair. felix watches his every movement. “i had to learn to help him at some point.” 

 

an ugly feeling stirs in felix's gut and he swallows around a newly growing lump in his throat. 

 

“who's hyunjin?” felix feels like it's not his place to ask, but he can't help himself. he needs to know. because these feelings in his chest are confusing and that name on changbin's lips makes them feel wrong. 

 

“ah. hyunjin's one of the original five.” changbin says, like that explains everything. when felix gives him a questioning glance, he opens up further. 

 

“in the beginning it was just chan and woojin hyung. then they found us. one by one, of course.” changbin sighs, hand finding felix's under the blankets and curling around it. “the original five are the ones they found first. the ones who had been together from the start.” 

 

felix nods. 

 

“were you not one of them?” 

 

changbin lets out a breath and shakes his head. 

 

“no. i came along later.” he turns over on his back and stares up at the ceiling. “they had been on the run for a while when woojin hyung and chan hyung found them.” 

 

“from what?” 

 

“society.” the word leaves changbin's lips on a barely present exhale. felix hangs on to every syllable. felix supposes he can understand. 

 

“and you?” he asks. 

 

“huh?” 

 

“what were you on the run from?” 

 

changbin gives him a bittersweet smile and clutches at his fingers. 

 

“myself.” 

 

felix thinks he can understand that quite well.

  
  


***

 

they stumble into the kitchen on bare feet, still holding hands. golden light floods the room, the sun still not quite risen over the skyline of seoul. felix blinks sleep from his eyes and follows changbin blindly as he sifts through one of the cupboards, coming out with two bowls, looking slightly worse for wear. felix doesn't mind. 

 

changbin sets the bowls on the table and moves to another cupboard to get what looks to be a cereal of some sort. he sets that on the table as well before leaving to the fridge. felix takes a few seconds to read the label on the box and is surprised when he recognizes it. it's cheerios. his favorite cereal from back when he lived in australia. a dumb smile stretches across his face. he knows changbin hadn't known, but his heart still grows warm. 

 

speaking of changbin, he returns soon with half a gallon of whole milk and two spoons, placing them in front of felix. at felix's warm gaze, he raises an eyebrow. 

 

“what?” he asks, and his voice is still husky, hair still tousled from sleep. “do i have something on my face?” 

 

felix wants to say yes, that changbin has this ethereal beauty there, but instead he just smiles wider, and says, “cheerios.” 

 

changbin stares at him for a bit before his lips twitch up in an amused smile. 

 

“yes,” he agrees, voice full of mirth. “cheerios.” 

 

felix realizes that he must sound and look ridiculous, so he clears his throat and tries again. 

 

“sorry, it's just,” he can't get that stupid smile off of his face. “it was my favorite cereal when i was a kid. back in australia.” for once, he doesn't feel sad talking about it. 

 

changbin's whole demeanor softens and he sits in the chair beside felix, resting his chin on his hand. dreamy. 

 

“tell me about it.” he says. felix wonders how changbin knows all the right words to say. and he tells. 

 

he tells about the hot summers and the larger than average bugs. changbin cringes at the tale of a giant spider felix crushed with his sneaker in third grade. felix tells about the sand and the sea and the food while they eat the cereal and changbin listens and watches the whole time. felix, for the first time in a long time, feels heard. 

 

they're in the middle of a conversation about koalas (“do they bite?” changbin had asked seriously.) when the front door flies open. two boys stumble inside, laughing, carrying two drink holders full of coffee. seven coffees in total (and one that looks suspiciously like hot chocolate). one of them, who is absolutely the tallest person felix has ever seen in korea, rushes forward to place the coffees on the table before scooping changbin up in a hug, much to his vocal disapproval. 

 

felix watches in amusement as changbin is twirled around in the taller boy's arms and grumbles indignantly the whole time. 

 

“put me down, jinnie.” changbin protests, kicking his feet, and felix lets out a little giggle, too happy to feel jealous. 

 

this draws the attention of the two boys to him. they go still and the taller of the two sets changbin down. felix would feel awkward, if it weren't for the way changbin brushes himself off and turns to face him again. 

 

“who's he?” the shorter boy asks. he's nowhere near as short as changbin. 

 

“ah.” changbin says, as if a lightbulb is going off in his head. “this is felix. felix, hyunjin and seungmin.” he gestures to them in turn and felix smiles at them brightly. 

 

it takes a second, but then hyunjin, the tall one, is smiling mischievously, sweeping his bangs back out of his eyes. 

 

“ahh, changbinnie. did you find yourself a boyfriend at last?” 

 

changbin, who's gotten himself ahold of the cup felix guesses is hot chocolate, promptly chokes. felix splutters along. 

 

“no!” changbin's voice raises a pitch and his cheeks flush a pretty shade of pink. 

 

felix feels his face heat up, but he can't bring himself to look away from hyunjin, who's shaking with laughter. seungmin, the boy beside him, looks unbothered, as if this is a common occurrence, but he joins in soon enough. 

 

“a one night stand, then?” he asks slyly, and felix hides his face in his hands. 

 

changbin slams his hot chocolate down on the table and advances towards seungmin, pulling the sleeves up on his hoodie. felix is, once again, blessed with the sight of his muscles. he finds himself staring, and only averts his gaze when hyunjin clears his throat. their eyes meet and hyunjin grins at him knowingly. felix turns absolutely scarlet. 

 

meanwhile, seungmin lets out a manly yelp of fear as changbin begins kicking at his legs. 

 

“my shin!” he screeches, hopping away from changbin and into the living room. changbin follows him with a scowl on his face. “woojin hyung! help!” 

 

a groan sounds from another room and a few minutes of hopping around the apartment with an angry changbin following later, woojin steps out of his room. his eyes are half shut and his hair is an utter mess. his gaze sweeps around the room and everyone freezes. except for felix. felix waves. 

 

“g'morning felix.” woojin murmurs, rubbing at his eyes with the palm of his hand. he steps into the kitchen and gets himself a bowl from the cupboard and fills it with cheerios. then he looks up at changbin and seungmin, and glares. 

 

“i do not appreciate being woken up by your unearthly screeching.” he says sternly, and the two younger boys nod their heads. hyunjin watches amusedly, felix with a little bit of fear. he doesn't want anyone to get in trouble. 

 

but woojin grabs a spoon and begins eating his cereal dry, with no further scolding. that is, until he says, “and i doubt minho will like it either.” again, everyone freezes. 

 

there's a thump as if something hit the floor, and then a boy waddles out of a room felix hadn't noticed last night, wrapped up in a comforter and looking absolutely livid. his eyes are closed, but his eyebrows are scrunched and his teeth are gritted. he stands there in the living room for a moment before turning his angry glare onto the boys in the kitchen. 

 

“does anyone want to tell me,” he seethes, voice gravelly and low. “why i'm awake at 6:30 in the fucking morning?” 

 

“language.” woojin says absentmindedly. the boy, minho, felix assumes, waves his hand dismissively. 

 

“so?” he asks. 

 

there's a moment of silence before changbin blurts, “it was seungmin!” and seungmin replies indignantly with, “changbin kicked me!” 

 

they go at it for a while before minho, who is pinching the bridge of his nose and looking desperate for sleep, growls. the room goes quiet again. felix would be amused if he wasn't terrified. hyunjin looks like he could watch this all day. 

 

“i'm going to go back to sleep,” he says. “and you are going to be  _ quiet _ , or i'll do something i might regret.” without waiting for an answer, he turns and waddles back to his room. 

 

woojin looks up, mouth full of cheerios, and swallows. 

 

“sorry about him.” he says to felix, apologetically. “he doesn't sleep well. he's much nicer in the afternoon.” 

 

felix nods hesitantly, still a little put off. but changbin sneaks behind him and rests his chin on his shoulder, and all fear is forgotten. felix watches everyone simultaneously raise their eyebrows and blushes, while changbin remains unbothered, eyes closed. 

 

“nooo.” he whines into felix's shoulder. “now my cheerios are all soggy.” 

 

felix smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys
> 
> i don't know if you've heard but there are fires going on in california right now, and that's where i live. so if you could all wish us californians some luck that would be amazing. 
> 
> i'd also love to get in touch with you. 
> 
> my tumblr is gay-but-woah and my twitter is @zinniachild


	3. i've been searching for a trail to follow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's cliche, but it's been said so many times before that he should have known from the start.
> 
>  
> 
> nothing gold can stay. and oh was his time with changbin gold.

felix discovers that minho really  _ is  _ nicer in the afternoon. at around 12:30, he stumbles out of his room and past the living room, where changbin and felix are cuddled up under a blanket. he raises his eyebrows at them before promptly tripping on the blanket he still has wrapped around him. he falls flat on his face and groans. changbin giggles. felix's heart swells in his chest. 

 

minho just lays there. for about a minute he presses his face into the tile floor, to which woojin says, “you know that floor is absolutely filthy.” minho gets up pretty quickly after that. he opens the fridge and groans again. 

 

“are we out of eggs?” he whines. woojin looks unimpressed. 

 

“were you going to make them?” 

 

minho pauses for a second, as if thinking it through, then shakes his head. 

 

“nah.” 

 

changbin chuckles. 

 

“good. you can't cook for shit.” he grins from where he's pressed into felix's side. woojin grunts in annoyance. 

 

“language.” he says sternly. felix stifles his giggle into his hands. 

 

minho turns to face them and stares. then he grins slowly. beside felix, changbin gulps. 

 

“and who's this?” he asks slyly, wiggling his eyebrows. “i remember seeing him this morning when you woke me up at ass o'clock.” 

 

“language!” 

 

minho huffs, and then continues. 

 

“is he your secret lover, changbin? i knew you were hiding something from us.” he has that smirk back on his face. felix flushes red from head to toe. changbin groans. 

 

“enough of that. he's a friend.” to this, minho smiles wider. 

 

“oh? and where did you find said friend?” then he pauses. “and why is he here?” 

 

changbin looks over at felix, as if asking for permission. felix shrugs, even though he's swallowing around a lump in his throat. 

 

“the han river.” changbin says quietly. minho stiffens. woojin looks over at them with a shocked expression.

 

“ah.” minho says, and clears his throat. “well, welcome to our humble abode, kid.” 

 

felix smiles nervously. changbin rests his head on his shoulder. minho doesn't stop wiggling his eyebrows, even while he pours his milk before his cereal. felix wrinkles his nose in distaste. 

 

so all in all, his second meeting with minho goes great. 

  
  


***

 

he meets the others over the course of the next couple of days. they stop by, bearing food and drinks every time. one thing stays the same; they're always surprised by felix. once, after an introduction to jisung, he hears him whisper something to minho. 

 

“and this is changbin's  _ friend? _ ” 

 

minho shrugs, and carries on drinking a drink that looks like it's made out of pure sugar. 

 

“he insists that it's nothing more than that.” 

 

jisung blinks several times, looking back and forth between felix and minho. felix swallows heavily from the place he's made for himself on the couch. 

 

“and he found him at the han river? on the bridge?” jisung asks. minho nods solemnly.

 

changbin shifts from beside him and looks at the others with a glare. 

 

“he can hear you.” he says with what sounds like restrained anger. “stop talking about him like he isn't here.” felix feels grateful. 

 

jisung looks immensely guilty and bows his head a couple times, apologizing. felix just waves it off and gives him a half hearted smile. he understands, after all. he thinks he's a freak too. 

  
  


***

 

the second time felix accidentally eavesdrops is late at night, when he wakes up to an empty bed and murmuring in the kitchen. half asleep and missing changbin, who he's gotten far too attached to far too quickly, he makes his way out of the bedroom. he's met with chan, woojin, and changbin sitting at the table, talking in low voices. he blinks blearily as words pass unfiltered through his ears. 

 

“i have to. i promised.” that's changbin. he sounds desperate. felix doesn't fully understand what he's saying. 

 

“but those are  _ your _ savings. you've been working for them for  _ years. _ ” woojin. felix has a gnawing feeling that he knows what this is about. 

 

“are you saying he isn't worth it?” changbin's voice grows slightly in volume, barely masking anger. woojin hushes him. felix doesn't need anyone to answer that question. he already knows it's true. 

 

_ you're not worth it. _

 

“you'll wake him.” 

 

changbin huffs and leans back in his chair. felix feels like he should leave, immediately. he doesn't want to hear the rest of this conversation. but somehow, he can't. so he stays. and he listens. 

 

“of course that's not what i'm saying.” woojin continues. “i'm just saying you shouldn't feel obligated to go that far to help him.” 

 

chan shifts at the end of the table, obviously distressed. 

 

“i agree with woojin.” he says softly. changbin huffs in disbelief. “you worked hard for that money, changbin. don't throw it away just for one kid.”

 

_ don't throw it away. _

 

felix finally finds it in him to move. he pads back into the room and gathers his things. the clothes he had worn the night he and changbin met, fresh from the dryer. the stuffed bear that jeongin had brought him when he heard there was a new friend. his shoes. he has a nagging feeling that he won't be needing all these things anyway. 

 

he changes out of the pajamas changbin lent him and into his jeans and t-shirt. he leaves the hoodie. he knows it's changbin's favorite, according to hyunjin. as he pulls on his socks and shoes he feels tears begin to well up in his eyes. he sucks in a quiet breath and wipes at them, unwilling to let them fall. he should have known this was coming. it's  cliche, but it's been said so many times before that he should have known from the start. 

 

nothing gold can stay. and oh was his time with changbin gold.

 

when he's done with his shoes, he picks up the teddy bear and opens the window. he doesn't want to cause a scene, or to upset changbin any further than he already has. 

 

_ you're not worth it.  _

 

he climbs out the window and onto the ground. the cold seeps into his bones where the hoodie would have protected him. his feet lead the way. 

  
  


***

 

he walks for a while, until he's grown numb to the chill in the air. he wishes he could have seen the snow one last time. he doesn't need to think to know where he's going. he remembers the way. 

 

felix wonders how they'll react when they realize that he's gone. he wonders if changbin will be okay. then he stops. 

 

he suddenly feels overwhelmed with guilt. changbin had worked so hard to save him, and yet he can't stop his feet from picking up and starting again. he knows he didn't fit there anyway, but it had felt nice while it lasted. 

 

felix thinks, vaguely, that these past few days have been the best of his life. he finds it fitting that they'll be his last. 

 

when he finally stops again, he's back on the bridge. he thinks, once more, about what led him to come here the first time. 

 

felix remembers a time when everything was okay. he must have been so small, because it's all hazy now. it, too, was gold. it, too, left too fast. 

 

he remembers being a young child and watching as his parents grew increasingly angry with each other. he remembers his sister cowering in the corner while his father stood over her, belt in his hand. he remembers the first time she was hit. 

 

now, he sucks in a deep breath and climbs onto the ledge where he had sat not hardly a week ago. 

 

felix remembers the friends he had grown up with leaving one by one. no one wants to hang around a freak, one who shows up to school with bruises on his arms and welts on his back. he remembers how much it hurt. he remembers the moment he started hating himself. 

 

it's too much, but he remembers it anyway. 

 

the way his mother decided, at last, to pack up the kids and the bags and leave australia. the new faces and the broken korean he had to learn to speak. the way he was picked on, then ignored, over the course of the years. he remembers the one boy who looked at him with pity in his eyes. he remembers the way he never did anything to help. 

 

and he remembers coming out to his family as gay, not even three weeks ago, and having his mother break down crying. because she was ashamed. because she was scared. because he was- is- gay, and this is korea. 

 

he stops, then, remembering. because a voice calls his name hoarsely, out of breath. felix turns around. 

 

changbin is there, face red, looking as if he ran the whole way. knowing him, he probably did. 

 

“felix!” he calls again. 

 

felix feels the tears spill over, one by one, as he stands there on the ledge. he never meant for this to happen. he never meant for changbin to find him, to get attached to him. felix never meant to get attached himself. 

 

he watches changbin start to move forward, and shakes his head. 

 

“don't.” he says, shaky, but firm. “turn around and go home, changbin.” the tears fall harder, blurring his vision. changbin stares at him in disbelief. 

 

“i'm not worth it.” felix chokes out. 

 

“felix.” changbin slips back into that soft voice and felix cries harder. “no one thinks that. i don't think that, you have to-” he lets out a quiet sob. 

 

“you have to believe me. please believe me.” 

 

felix shakes his head. 

 

“don't.” he says again. “don't ask that of me. i can't, changbin. i can't do it, i can't-” 

 

“please!” changbin is really crying now. felix hates to see him cry. “come down, felix, please, come down from there. please, don't leave, don't leave me. not now.” 

 

“then when?” felix asks, shakily. 

 

“never.” changbin cries. “i haven't taken you to australia yet, i haven't seen your home yet, felix. let me take you.” 

 

as tempting as that sounds, felix knows he can't do that. he can't let changbin get attached any more than he already has. because felix knows that one day, he'll find a way to leave, no matter what. because felix knows that nothing gold can stay. 

 

“look away, changbin.” is all he says. then changbin chokes and sprints toward him and felix leans back, ready to fall, and- 

 

someone catches him. it's not changbin, he's too far away. felix doesn't know who it is, but he thrashes in their arms anyway, crying loudly as they pull him away from the edge and onto the ground. a hand cards through his hair and changbin is crying beside him. 

 

“not today.” minho. his voice is soothing, if a little shaky. felix can't stop crying. changbin wraps his arms around him and hugs him tightly, choking on quiet sobs and salty tears. “not today.” 

 

they sit there for a while, felix and changbin crying and minho holding them tightly. felix hears quick footsteps and panting over the sound of his own crying. then the others are there. when felix opens his eyes, he sees them there, the six of them. chan leads the way, hyunjin and woojin not far behind him. 

 

jeongin takes one look at the teddy bear leaned up against the ledge of the bridge and bursts into tears. jisung stares. chan's shoulders shake silently. felix looks away. 

 

they surround the three on the ground and pull them all into one big hug. hyunjin rubs changbin's back as he cries and wipes tears away from felix's eyes with his free hand. 

 

it's all such a mess. a mess that felix made. he cries harder. 

 

“hush,” changbin says, even though he's crying too. “it's okay. we're here, it's okay.” his arms squeeze felix from where they're wrapped around him. 

 

it's cold. changbin moves back and felix cries out, only to have hyunjin shush him and whisper soothing things into his ear. when changbin returns, he's pulled off his hoodie. minho helps him put it on felix, and then their arms are holding him again. felix leans back against changbin's chest and hiccups around his fading tears. 

 

“you're not alone.”


	4. take me back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he is. he is sorry. nothing makes him feel worse than when changbin looks at him, eyes wet and searching, and asks,
> 
>  
> 
> “why?”
> 
>  
> 
> felix swallows around the lump in his throat and tries to speak. for a while, nothing comes out. then,
> 
>  
> 
> “you don't need me.” it hurts him to say it. it does. but it's the truth, and felix would be damned before he ever lied to changbin.

felix falls asleep there, on the bridge. he knocks out, sandwiched between minho and changbin, completely drained. he doesn't know how he gets home (he doesn't realize he's called it that until days afterward), but he has vague memories of being lifted into the air. 

 

he wakes up in changbin's bed, in changbin's arms. and changbin is crying. felix lays there, just barely awake, changbin's head buried into his chest, tears soaking his (changbin's) hoodie. funny how everything that seems to be his belongs to someone else. 

 

(his heart, too, he thinks.) 

 

his hand comes up to thread itself into changbin's hair, holding him close. changbin's cries quiet down and he lifts his head. in the early morning light, his eyes are red, lips swollen from chewing on them to keep quiet. to not wake felix. felix wonders what he did to deserve changbin. 

 

their eyes meet and changbin sniffles, burying his head back down and sobbing some more. felix shushes him and strokes his hair, softly. 

 

“don't cry,” he says, heart and mind numb. “don't cry.” 

 

changbin cries harder. his hands clutch at the hoodie felix is wearing and his head shifts. when he lifts it again, felix can see the tears bubbling over and uses his other hand to wipe them away. 

 

“i'm sorry.” he chokes out, eyes stinging. “i'm sorry, don't cry.”

 

he is. he is sorry. nothing makes him feel worse than when changbin looks at him, eyes wet and searching, and asks, 

 

“why?” 

 

felix swallows around the lump in his throat and tries to speak. for a while, nothing comes out. then, 

 

“you don't need me.” it hurts him to say it. it does. but it's the truth, and felix would be damned before he ever lied to changbin. 

 

changbin, who found him, who saved him and took him in without asking questions. changbin, who gave him his clothes and his bed and his friends. changbin, who looks him in the eye, lip trembling, and says, 

 

“but i do. i do need you.” he sobs again. “why would you say that? i do.” 

 

felix shakes his head. 

 

“changbin,” he says softly. “you don't even know me. how can you need me?” 

 

changbin's fingers find his under the blankets and his mouth opens and closes, trying to find something to say. felix watches, guilt worming itself into his heart. 

 

“i know you enough,” changbin says, pleading, through tears. “i know you enough and i need you. so please. stay.” 

 

felix stares at him. his tongue comes out to wet his lips and he stares. 

 

“stay with me.” 

 

felix thinks that maybe, he can stay for just one more night. 

 

***

 

they lay like that for a while, tangled together in the sheets, as the sun rises over the skyline. felix watches changbin doze, the golden light shining on his face. he's unable to sleep himself. he supposes he knows why. 

 

surprisingly enough, after feeling so out of control last night, he's never been calmer than now. true, it might be the numbness creeping over his body like the sun does the hills, but he'll take it. he'll take anything, if it makes changbin happy. felix knows he can only do that for so long. 

 

felix can never keep anyone happy. 

 

at last, when the sun has long since risen and felix has been staring at changbin for far too long, he shifts, stretches, eyes opening. they land on felix's face and widen. felix supposes he's been caught. 

 

“hey.” he says quietly. “how are you?” it's a dumb question to ask, he knows. 

 

changbin stares at him, mouth slightly open. he licks his lips. 

 

“i'm the one who should be asking that.” he murmurs, guiltily. 

 

felix shrugs, dislodging the blankets from his shoulders. changbin's hand reaches out to fix them. 

 

“maybe.” felix says. “but you seem like you need it more.” 

 

changbin looks at him, hurt clear in his eyes. 

 

“felix,” he says, desperately. “you could have died last night.” his voice is shaky when he repeats himself. 

 

“you could have died.” 

 

felix's heart drops further into his stomach, like a stone, he thinks. he sits up in the bed and leans over to place a hesitant kiss on changbin's hairline. 

 

“i know.” he says. changbin's grip on his hoodie never loosens as he pulls himself up to sit in felix's lap from where he was laying before. he wraps his limbs around felix and holds him like he'll never let him go. 

 

“then how can you ask me how i'm doing?” he sniffles. “can't you tell that i'm not okay?” 

 

felix moves his arms so he can hold changbin against him, tighter. 

 

“i can.” he whispers. all he wants is for changbin to be okay. 

 

“and you?” changbin is crying again. “don't you know that you're not okay?” 

 

“i do.” felix's voice has grown quieter over the past few minutes. it's watery with unshed tears, but he won't let himself cry. he did far too much of that last night. 

 

changbin seems to notice and kisses the side of his neck softly. 

 

“changbin,” felix starts. “changbin, what is this? what are we?” 

 

changbin sits there, his head in the crook of felix's neck, silently, as if deep in thought. then he speaks up. 

 

“i don't know.” he says quietly. “i don't know yet. all i know is that i want to be close to you.” 

 

felix pulls back and holds changbin a little ways away from him. 

 

“changbin,” his eyes dart down to the other boy's lips. “can i kiss you?” 

 

changbin's eyes widen and he seems to realize the position they're in. felix honestly doesn't mind. he thinks it's cute. changbin finally nods. 

 

felix leans in, and their lips touch gently. his eyes are closed and his lips are warm and he's never felt anything better than this, anything better than kissing changbin. 

 

changbin presses back and his hands grip felix's shoulders. when they part, his eyes are still closed and his brows are furrowed. felix looks at him, adoration turning to concern when he sees a tear slip down changbin's face. 

 

“what's wrong?” he whispers. 

 

changbin buries his face in his hands and sobs. his shoulders shake with the force it takes him to cry. felix watches him, and he feels something inside him crumble. 

 

“did..” he manages to get out, panic filling his whole body. “did you not like it?” 

 

changbin shakes his head, but it gives felix little relief, because he's still crying, hands still covering his face. felix wants to pry them away, but his hands don't leave their position from changbin's back. 

 

“what is it then?” he's feeling nauseous, stomach churning and heart beating fast in his chest. 

 

changbin finally takes his hands away and there are tears staining his cheeks and making his eyelashes clump together. 

 

“you won't stay with me, will you?” he asks, trembling. “that was a goodbye, wasn't it?” 

 

felix swallows heavily. he wants to deny it, but he can't. something in him won't let him. he won't lie to changbin. 

 

changbin stares at him, heartbreak shining in his eyes along with the tears. 

 

“kiss me again.” he pleads shakily. “let me show you why you should stay.”

 

felix does. it's more desperate this time, changbin's hands coming up to hold his cheeks as he presses their lips firmly together. his tears get in the way, but felix couldn't care less. he doesn't have a care in the world when he's kissing changbin. 

 

they pull apart and changbin is still crying. 

 

“it's not working.” he cries. “why isn't it working? why don't you want to stay with me?” 

 

felix can feel his heart breaking in his chest. he hates to see changbin cry. 

 

“i do,” he says, close to tears himself. “i do want to stay with you. but changbin, i.. i don't belong here.” 

 

changbin buries his face in felix's chest and shakes, sobs wracking his body. he doesn't say anything. felix wishes he would say something. 

 

a few moments pass and eventually changbin quiets down, seemingly having cried himself to sleep. felix holds him in his arms and realizes he's never held anything so fragile before. 

 

the door creaks open and felix looks up, a somber expression on his face. it's minho. he's looking at felix with pity in his eyes and his mouth opens like he wants to say something. 

 

“kid,” he starts. “i know you don't feel like you fit here.” felix wonders how long he's been listening. 

 

“i get that. but changbin needs you. he's never needed anyone as much as he needs you.” his voice quivers. 

 

“when we found changbin,” a choked noise forces its way up his throat and he takes a moment to calm down. “when we found changbin, he was so alone. he was alone, and he was there, on that bridge.” 

 

felix's mouth drops open. 

 

“he was going to throw himself off.” 

 

he can't believe his ears. he subconsciously holds changbin tighter. 

 

“i don't know why changbin was there when he found you that night.” minho sounds like he's crying, now. felix can't tell, because he's only looking at changbin, asleep in his arms, tears drying on his face. 

 

“i don't know why he was there, but it wasn't good. so don't do this to him, felix. don't leave him. i don't know what he'll do with himself.” 

 

felix realizes that he's crying, too. how could he have been so blind? the signs were all there. 

 

_ “and you?”  _ he had asked.  _ “what were you running from?”  _

 

and changbin had smiled bitterly. and changbin had said,  _ “myself.”  _

 

felix clutches changbin to his chest and sobs. 

 

“i won't.” he cries. “i won't leave him.” 

 

minho stands in the doorway for a while, crying, before he wipes at his eyes and smiles. 

 

“good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're coming close to the end, you guys. thank you for sticking with me and leaving such kind words for me to read. i really appreciate it. ❤


	5. to the night we met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “when i take you to australia,” he murmurs, still holding felix's face in his hands. “i want you to show me everything you know. i want you to tell me everything. i want to know you. i want to love you.”

felix doesn't leave changbin's side for the next few days. he holds him close and never mentions leaving, much to the other boy's surprise. he leaves lingering kisses on his forehead and nose and neck and curls up with him on woojin's raggedy couch. his whole schedule revolves around changbin. 

 

the others all stop by one night, for dinner, and to get to know felix better. they're watching a ghibli movie, felix's favorite, castle in the sky. and it's in korean, but the animation soothes him and has him relaxing into the couch. half the time, he's not even watching the tv, but changbin instead. the electric blue glow lights up his angular face, which has a certain softness to it that felix just can't describe. 

 

his eyes are wide and he's biting on his lips as the scenes play out on the screen. felix lets out a muffled noise of amusement and squeezes his hand under the blankets. when he looks up, he realizes minho is watching him. he has a knowing smile on his face, and really, he looks so grateful. felix only feels guilt creep back into his chest. he smiles back at minho, but it's more forced than anything.

 

in all honesty, he feels terrible. he's beating himself up for what he did, and how it affected changbin and the rest. but especially changbin. felix wakes up to him crying in his sleep sometimes, clinging to his shirt and wailing. felix knows it's because of him. felix knows because every time changbin wakes up from that tear-filled sleep, he buries his head in felix's chest and says, 

 

“don't leave me.” in a small, wobbly voice. felix just wants him to know that he's not leaving. 

 

but it becomes increasingly hard to hide the fact that he knows too much about changbin. it feels like he's lying. so later that night, after the movie has ended and everyone but them has fallen asleep on the floor of the living room, felix turns to changbin with his heart in his throat. 

 

“changbin,” he says, and it comes out hoarse and strained. changbin looks up at him from where his head is resting on felix's chest. “changbin, i know.” 

 

changbin looks confused for a moment. then his eyes focus and he grimaces. 

 

“i knew something was different.” he admits. “i felt like.. suddenly i got this feeling you might stay. but i'm still afraid.” 

 

felix touches their foreheads together and closes his eyes. 

 

“i know.” he says. and, “i'm sorry.” 

 

changbin shakes his head, eyes wide. 

 

“why are you sorry?” he asks. felix's lip trembles. 

 

“i'm sorry i'm so messed up.” he whispers, tears filling his eyes. “i'm sorry i can't be what you need.” 

 

changbin watches him with sad eyes. he lifts a hand to felix's jaw and pulls him in for a kiss. it's slow, and the tears fall. felix pulls away and covers his face with his hands. changbin has seen enough of him crying. 

 

“felix,” changbin says softly, prying the hands away from felix's face. “look at me.” 

 

felix tries. he tries, but all he feels is guilt and shame and so he looks away again. changbin's hands come up to hold his face and turn it so felix is staring him in the eyes. 

 

“look at me.” he says again. felix swallows. 

 

“you're all i want and more.” changbin assures him, gazing at him with softness and care. “you're everything i need. you might be messed up,” 

 

he shifts a little. 

 

“but i want you to remember that so am i. felix, if you hadn't been on the bridge that night, i-” 

 

and then he's crying too. 

 

“i would be dead. i would be dead, and we never would have met. i'm messed up too. you're not alone.” 

 

felix's heart hurts hearing those words. he just wants to hold changbin and shower him in love and praise. but he can't talk. so changbin talks for him. 

 

“when i take you to australia,” he murmurs, still holding felix's face in his hands. “i want you to show me everything you know. i want you to tell me everything. i want to know you. i want to love you.” 

 

felix sniffles. 

 

“okay?” changbin asks, thumbs wiping away the few stray tears that still fall. felix nods. 

 

“okay.”

 

***

 

it takes a while. after a few months of more work, changbin gathers his savings, and they book a flight to sydney, australia. they leave on the 21st of june. chan and the others crowd around them at the airport and say their goodbyes tearfully. 

 

“when will you be back?” jeongin bawls. felix ruffles his hair. 

 

“soon.” changbin smiles, and looks at felix adoringly. felix doesn't miss it. 

 

minho watches them both, a proud smile on his face. he's the last to hug them, the last to say goodbye. 

 

“take care of each other.” he murmurs, smiling. 

 

felix grips changbin's hand in his and he feels alive. 

 

“we will.” 

 

***

 

the plane ride is long, and felix sleeps most of the way there. when he's not sleeping, he looks out the window at the clouds below them and watches as they change. it's subtle and intense all at the same time. he wonders if that's how his feelings grew for changbin. slowly, then all at once. felix knows he has to tell him soon. 

 

they land at 5:00 PM australian time. the sun is setting over the sea and making everything gold. felix watches changbin and sees how his eyes close halfway in content. he smiles softly and decides there's no time better to do it than now. 

 

“changbin,” he says as they step out of the airport. “changbin, i love you.” 

 

he watches changbin's eyes widen in realization and then grow soft. 

 

“i love you too.” he whispers, and pulls felix in for a kiss, smiling. 

 

felix knows he's never felt anything better than this. 

 

“will you stay with me?” changbin asks, when they part. 

 

the sun shines on his skin and it's gold, it's all gold. it's been said before that nothing gold can stay. but felix will be damned before he lets anything take changbin away from him. changbin is gold, and he's asking felix to stay.

 

“i'll stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we've reached the end.
> 
> thank you so much to those who have stuck by me during the writing of this fic, who have encouraged me and given kind words. a lot of you seemed to connect strongly with this fic and i just want you to know that i'm always here for you to talk to. 
> 
> my twitter is @zinniachild and my tumblr is gay-but-woah 
> 
> come read again some time! 
> 
> if everything goes well, i might upload a prologue


End file.
